1. You say 'how?' instead of 'why?'. But not in public.
2. The thought of haggis, neeps and tatties does not disgust you, but you only eat it to be 'ethnic'. Normally it is caviar or nothing.
3. You think Glaswegians are unsavoury, but you've never met any as you are too scared to go to Glasgow after dark in case somebody steals one of your eleven mobile phones.
4. You think it is your God-given right to slag all the other Scottish cities.
5. You speak with a Morningside accent when sober... and then like a Leith dockworker when drunk.
6. You have whisky for breakfast.
7. You are strangely proud and protective of Irn-Bru.
8. You haven't noticed how sickly and horrible Irn-Bru is.
9. You know the difference between a McDonald and a McKenzie tartan.
10. You think paying £10 for a 3 minute cab ride is perfectly acceptable.
11. You will sulk at the champagne being warm at Hogmanay.
12. You sulk if there are no after-club parties because you can't possibly go to bed before 11.30 am the next day.
13. You will sulk if you don't manage to spend £1000 on your Jenners account card in your lunch hour.
1. You say 'pish' all the time.
2. You say 'aye' all the time.
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.
4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'.
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
6. You punch everybody you meet.
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible.
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'.
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.
1. You say 'mate' constantly.
2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.
3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.
5. You have no idea where the North is.
6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
7. The countryside makes you nervous.
8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".
11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.
12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
1. You have an urge to steal.
2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
7. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
8. You think that Albert Dock is 'for the tourists'. What tourists?
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
10. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.
1. You prefer dogs to people.
2. You've forgotten how to shave.
3. You spit on the street and think nothing of it.
4. You find it hard not to be sleazy when wooing members of the opposite sex.
5. You smoke instead of eating.
6. You consider two bottles of wine an 'aperitif'
7. You won't buy anything unless it is in black.
8. You have a strange aversion to the British, Belgians or anyone else for that matter.
9. You refuse to speak English - even to your parents. You smoke on the underground - even when you get back to the UK.
1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it'. "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
4. You support Man City out of principle.
5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.
6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.
7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'.
8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
9. You won't pay more than £1.50 for a wrap of skag.
10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is.
11. Zzzzzzz.
1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds.
2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing.
3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water- and taking five hours to drink it.
4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
5. Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out.
6. You'll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much something will be in the end of season sale.
7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what's in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar - and then lie about where you got it from.
8. You see Leeds United players beating someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk and don't think anything of it.
9. You think Londoners are ponces and that London is 'crap', but you've never been as you can't afford the fare, and mum won't let you borrow the car.
10. You hate students - even though you are one.
11. Leeds is the centre of your universe - you can't ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can't ever imagine going back.
1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan
9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat,bread or potatoes.
11. You say "Your man" all the time.
12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
13. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.
14. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.